Some days, you have to pick up your cat and drop a few hundred bucks at the vet, because your cat has a bladder infection and will now need to be on prescription food for the rest of her life.
The vet appointment runs long, so you miss your last class of the night, which only meets once a week.
You get home, and get a call from your mother saying that your grandfather has stopped breathing, is in the hospital, and probably won’t make it through the night, but you shouldn’t bother to drive up, because the hospital staff wouldn’t let you in anyway.
And you’re due for a full blown Communist invasion at any minute. (“Red Menace”, get it? Ha.)
At times like this, you make Despair Cake.
1 box Devil’s Food or Dark Chocolate cake mix
whatever the recipe on the back of the box says
- substitute 1 snack-size chocolate pudding for one of the eggs
- your choice of liquor (ex. Kahlua, schnapps or cordials)
- do what the back of the box says. Seriously, just follow the freaking directions, in the order given.
- after cake is out of the pan but still hot, brush it with liquor and let sit.
- don’t you DARE frost it.
- go to the living room and put whatever you damn well feel like watching on the TV
One it’s cooled enough to hold in your bare hand, get a paper towel, or a plate, if you’re feeling fancy. Haul the cake out to the living room in as large a piece as you can carry. I usually do two 8″ rounds, and carry out one of those. Eat it straight to your face like a piece of pizza.
If you absolutely MUST have frosting, you can carry one of those little tubs of it out as well and eat it directly with a spoon in between bites of chocolatey consolation. Emotions and cramps are for all those poor sad bastards who don’t have cake.